Suicide Prevention Day

Warning: This blog entry contains talk of suicidal thoughts and depression.

I felt that it was apt to write and post this blog entry today. With it being Suicide Prevention Day and me being…. Well… I suppose I have this blog to be honest an blunt with myself and my readers.

I have spent the last couple of months trying so very hard not to kill myself.

It looks terribly dramatic to see it written down like that, especially since to me, depression and suicidal thoughts don’t really feel that dramatic to me. It’s the day in day out every hour of my life for as long as I can remember. It’s like a chores list.

  • Do food shopping
  • Clean room
  • Finish essay
  • Pay bills
  • Kill myself

Just another thing for me to do. So I spend all my time finding more and more things to put on the To Do List so I don’t get to the end. So I don’t get to that little space in which Kill Myself sits. Perhaps its not the best strategy, but it’s the only one I have.

Therapy didn’t really work too well for me. Perhaps it was a case of not finding the right therapist, but after each one told me some variation of:

  • Have you tried going for a walk?
  • Start the day with a smile and you’ll feel better
  • Trick yourself into feeling happy

The whole thing just got tiring. And for someone who is always gosh darn tired, it was a struggle.

I am on meds and they help a little. But it’s the kind of help where if I am already having an ok day, I feel pretty good. But if I am having an awful day, it just skims some of the scuzz off the top. It’s just a case of battling to keep afloat. I’m grateful for the meds because I know without them, it’s a much harder fight to stay here. But I wish they could stop me from feeling so low.

My family and a few of my friends don’t understand the nature of my mental illness. They were under the assumption that once I transitioned, I would be ‘cured’. But being transgender and being depressed are two different things. One can make the other worse, but its still a separate thing.

It’s a strange thing to want to die even thought things are going relatively well. I’m doing okish moneywise, I have friends who care about me and my transition is going really well. I’m gendered correctly 95% of the time.

And yet it’s not enough. My entire life is a constant cycle of not enough. But… I’m still here. And I hope that I can continue to be here. I constantly think about how it would effect my friends to find my body and… As macabre as it sounds… It’s the thing that helps the most.

No matter how awful you feel, there is always a reason to stick around. You have people who care about you and love you. And in the highly unlikely event you don’t have someone… Stick around through spite. You’d be surprised at how well that works.

Patroclus

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