I’ve had many questions and comments about my blog since I started it. Some from friends who know me offline, but mostly from strangers wandering around the internet. The one question that has cropped up a lot ( much to my surprise ) is:
“But why do you have to talk about sex?”
One person asked me why I have to talk about how we ( trans people ) have sex. Another commented that they didn’t want me to talk about sex at all, regardless of whether I was talking about cis or trans people.
Now, I do understand their fears to a point. As one friend pointed out, trans people are either overly sexualised or stripped of their sexuality entirely. Made out to be innocent fragile little flowers that couldn’t possibly be into that icky sex stuff.
Now, to address the former – Trans people being overly sexualised – It currently seems to be our trans sisters who are getting the shit end of the stick in regards to that. There’s so much trans porn and the majority of Trans Chasers are after trans women. So the folks who’ve messaged me with their grievances are afraid that might happen to trans men too.
But it is already happening. On the app Scruff I disclose my trans status, on Grindr I do not. Once upon a time I disclosed on both, but the sheer amount of ‘straight’ men on Grindr looking for ( and I quote ) “a pussy to fuck” or “a wet hole to dump my cum in” was just overwhelming. Of course, it’s not on the level of trans women, but it’s happening. We just seem to be more of an excuse for gay or questioning men to prove to themselves they don’t like men. One guy on Grindr actually told me that “It’s not gay if it’s with a trans dude.” Sorry mate, I’m a man… So if you fuck me, it’s still hella gay.
Honestly, I think we need to talk about sex more. It’s something that I feel isn’t done enough in our community. We all seem too shy or too scared to admit we like sex. Almost as if we feel that we don’t deserve to like sex. I know that I certainly felt that way for a very long time. I hated my body ( still do sometimes ) and just the thought of even masturbating was enough to make me feel sick, let alone allow anyone else to touch me.
Personally I think we might be going the same way as the gay community has been going for some years now. Trying to make themselves more palatable to straight people. Not talking about fetishes or gay spas and leaving Grindr on the very edge as something that is a bit silly that no one really does…
It is something that is very apparent at things like Pride ( which I talked about in my last post ). It was all very white and very cis and quite the concentration on either beautiful young twink boys or fabulous gorgeous drag queens. Anyone who didn’t fall into those categories weren’t very well received.
There seems to have been a lot of trying to make ourselves more palatable to the cis. Pushing forward those who ‘pass’ better than the rest. Ignoring or even trying to hide those who refuse to fit into nice neat boxes. And I think that sex is definitely something that has come up as a touchy subject.
The trans person who loves their body and enjoys sex has no place in the narrative of the depressed, self hating trans person who suffers so terribly from dysphoria that they cannot even look at themselves in the mirror. And I am not saying that these people do not exist. Sometimes I am this person. But currently this is the only narrative that the cis are holding onto.
It’s always a coming out story or a suicide story or someone getting physically assaulted. It’s just another case of the cis being misery tourists. But because this is the narrative that’s out there and the loudest and boldest one, this is the thing that young trans people who are just figuring themselves out get to see. And surely that makes things worse?
When I first came out as trans I worried that perhaps I wasn’t trans at all. And this was because as I joined various communities online or read articles about being trans, it seemed that I wasn’t experiencing the level of dysphoria that I was supposed to be having. And then there was the fact that it seemed you could only be straight. The narrative tended to be, thought they were a lesbian, turns out they were a man. But for me… I was mainly dysphoric about my breasts, never really thought too much about my vagina and I was attracted to men.
And then of course when I tried to figure out how this whole sex thing worked, it seemed that everyone just fell silent. No articles written on it. No one discussing it in forums. Thankfully that has changed some in recent years and people are slowly but surely starting to talk about it. But it is still very much a taboo subject.
In an ideal world you’d learn about trans people and sex in school’s sex education. But they can barely get straight cis sex right, so god knows how they’d tackle us.
Anyways, I have rambled on and I’m not sure if I’ve made my point. But I suppose I’m calling this done.
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