Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that this blog post is so late! Life seems to be taking a swing at every turn right now, but I’m going to try and do a load of posts and schedule them so this won’t happen again! Very very sorry!
Ok, now my grovelling is done, onto the post!
Dating is nerve-wracking for anyone, but for transgender people, there’s that extra layer of nerves. Or in my case fear. I was so scared that once I told the guy I’m trans that he would treat me badly or even worse, turn violent. I’ve heard from other gay trans guys about the men who have flipped out and made threats. These occurrences are few and far between, but the fact they happen at all are pretty frightening.
But even without the more dramatic consequences, there are people who will not date us simply because we are trans. There are an alarming number of men in the gay community who are transphobic. And trying to figure out who you can tell about your trans status and who you could possibly date is exhausting. And in some cases, miserable.
The question I have been asked a lot when discussing dating is: Why don’t you just date other gay trans guys?
Well, the answer to that is, I do. I have no issue with dating other trans guys. But you have to understand that by saying I’d only date other gay trans men, I am narrowing my dating pool even more. By being a gay man that pool is tiny. Gay and trans and only dating others who are gay and trans? We’re talking a puddle.
Another thing I get asked is: Why don’t you tell people straight away? Why don’t you just have it written on your dating profile?
My reason for that is that I do not see being trans as a big part of my identity. I just… Am. Me being transgender goes as far as what’s between my legs. And that is the business of myself and my doctor. And of course, whoever I’m sleeping with.
I see no point ( for myself ) in outing my trans status to all and sundry. I don’t want to be a point of curiosity or become a target for anyone who might feel cruel that evening. When I started testosterone, I didn’t bother trying to ‘go stealth’ as I felt very obviously trans. I felt that people could look at me and just know ( a ridiculous notion, but one that haunted me all the same ). So, I had it on my profile and I was upfront when people didn’t read my profile.
This was my first experience with ‘Chasers’. A lot of them thought I was a trans woman and congratulated me on how pretty I looked. And when I corrected them, some either said that wasn’t what they were looking for, or others ( quite bluntly ) asked about my genitals. The phrase that kept coming up word for word was “You still got a pussy?”
I was bombarded with questions about my genitals and whether or not I would have The Surgery. Some responded with dismay when I said I would be having chest surgery; saying that they wanted to play with my tits whilst they fucked me. Bearing in mind that this was after barely a few words said to each other. Three messages and suddenly it was all tits and pussy and hard fucking and quite a few asking if they could come inside me.
This was on gay dating apps. Mainly Grindr ( and yes, I know that it’s a hookup app, and folks are probably rolling their eyes at me right now. But there are options for you to tick saying you’re into dating. So all it takes is a little reading, come on guys! ). It got so bad that I was considering detransitioning. Not because I felt I had made a mistake, but because I was so tired of being viewed as a Thing rather than a person. I felt like a zoo exhibit and people could come and look at me and make the rudest comments whenever they wished. And if I ever had a go at them for their behaviour, I was often met with scorn. One man saying I was acting like ‘such a woman.’
In the end I just deleted all my profiles from all the apps and all the dating sites. I decided to not even think about dating until I felt more comfortable with myself. Until I was at a point where I felt I could decide whether or not to disclose my trans status to someone. Because before when I was in those first few months of testosterone, I felt I had to tell people. And now? Now it feels more like my choice.
I get less messages and less people coming to my profiles than before, but I see that as a good thing. Before, people were just after me because I happen to have a vagina. I was something to laugh at or a fetish or something to get angry at. Now, I’m just another guy among all the other guys. I have only had two dates so far ( with the same guy – However we have decided to be friends ) so I haven’t done the whole… Disclosing that I’m trans yet. But for me and my comfort level, I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone unless things look like they might go in a sexy direction.
For me personally, a good time to disclose would be the third date. My reasoning behind this is that if you’re going out for a third date, then there is something about this person you really like. The first date is the getting to know you bit, second date is the do I actually like you bit and the third date is, I like you… Let’s see if this is going to go somewhere.
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